When Parents Come to the Table: Holding Space for Advocacy, Autonomy, and Respect

Posted on17/06/2025 by Shirley Appleby

By Shirley Appleby

They arrive with notebooks.
With anxiety.
With documents.
With lived experience.
And sometimes, with exhaustion that’s hard to put into words.

When a parent, carer, or guardian joins an assessment or support meeting, it’s rarely by accident.
It’s usually because they’ve had to be there, for years.

They’ve been the translator, the system-fighter, the sleepless researcher, the advocate.
They’re not trying to take over.
They’re often just relieved someone is finally listening.

Layered needs often mean layered silence.

For students with layered needs, especially those with communication differences, trauma, fatigue, or fluctuating conditions, it can be difficult to articulate their needs in the moment.
They may minimise, mask, forget, or simply feel overwhelmed by the pressure of being “on the spot.”

This is where the presence of a parent or carer can be a scaffold, not a shadow.

So how do we keep the balance right?

Supporting students with parents in the room takes nuance. It’s not about allowing one voice to dominate, it’s about managing the dynamic with respect and intentionality.

Here’s what that can look like in practice:

• Acknowledge the parent’s role with warmth, not resistance
  “Thanks for being here, I know support doesn’t start with this meeting, it started a long time ago.”

• Set boundaries with clarity and kindness
  “This assessment is centred on [student’s name], so I’ll be asking them most of the questions directly. If there’s anything you want to add at the end, I’ll make sure there’s space for that.”

• Notice when a student defers or dissociates
  If the parent is doing most of the talking, gently re-centre the student:
  “Is that how it feels for you too?”
  “Would you like to add or change anything?”

• Value emotion without making it awkward
  Tears, frustration, and strong opinions may surface. That doesn’t mean the space is unsafe, it means it matters. Your calm, contained presence allows that emotion to have a place without derailing the purpose.

Parents shouldn’t feel like a problem to be managed

Too often, parents, especially of neurodivergent or disabled young people are treated as “difficult” simply for advocating with clarity.

But behind every determined parent is usually a long history of being ignored, dismissed, or told to “wait and see” while their child struggled.

Acknowledging their presence as valid, and holding it alongside the student’s voice, is how we create truly person-centred spaces.

Final thoughts: Make room for both voices, with intention

It’s not either/or.
It’s both/and.

We can respect the student’s autonomy and honour the parent’s presence.

We can protect the student’s voice while recognising the advocacy that got them this far.

We just need to be intentional, and human, in how we hold that space.

I support professionals working in assessment, support and inclusion to navigate layered dynamics with empathy, clarity, and confidence.

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