Strong But Struggling: Why Masking Isn’t a Measure of Ability

Posted on09/06/2025by Shirley Appleby

By Shirley Appleby

They show up.
They smile.
They meet the deadline, take part in the meeting, maybe even crack a joke.
And we assume they’re fine.

But behind the scenes, in the silence between tasks, in the quiet collapse after showing up, they’re unraveling.

This is masking.
And it’s not just an autism or ADHD issue, it’s a survival response adopted by many people with layered needs, from chronic illness and neurodivergence to trauma, mental health conditions, and fluctuating pain.

What is masking, really?

Masking is the conscious or unconscious effort to hide parts of ourselves in order to “pass” as coping.

It can look like:

• Suppressing sensory discomfort to avoid standing out

• Hiding pain or fatigue so no one assumes you’re unreliable

• Downplaying anxiety to avoid seeming difficult

• Speaking up in class or meetings to seem engaged, even when you’re barely holding it together

Masking is often praised.
“Look how well they’re doing.”
“It’s great that they’re so independent.”
But these compliments often misunderstand the cost of survival mode.

Masking ≠ thriving

Someone who appears high-functioning may be:

• Burning out quietly behind the scenes

• Using all their energy to appear “normal” and has none left for recovery or processing

• Too afraid of judgement, rejection or losing support if they speak their truth

Professionals who take things at face value risk missing the real story, and making the wrong assumptions about what support is (or isn’t) needed.

Why people mask, especially those with layered needs

People mask for many reasons:

• Because they’ve been dismissed before

• Because they fear being labelled lazy, dramatic, or too much

• Because they’ve learned that it’s easier to suffer quietly than fight for understanding

Those with layered needs often have to navigate conflicting internal and external demands, managing sensory issues and chronic fatigue, or anxiety and cognitive load, or trauma and executive dysfunction. Masking becomes a tool to survive environments that were never built with them in mind.

What masking costs, and what we can do instead

Masking may get people through the door, but it often comes at the cost of:

• Burnout

• Mental health decline

• Loss of identity

• Delayed or denied support

So how can we respond differently?

As professionals, educators, assessors, and allies, we can:

• Stop equating performance with capacity

• Learn to recognise the subtle signs of masking

• Create spaces where authenticity is welcomed, not penalised

• Ask “How are you managing?” instead of “Are you managing?”

Final Thoughts: Being strong doesn’t mean someone isn’t struggling

The strongest people I know are those who keep showing up, even when it hurts, even when they’re misunderstood.

If you’re working with someone who appears fine on the surface, consider this:
The energy they’re using to hold it all together might be the very thing making them look “okay.”

Masking might be protecting their dignity, but it shouldn’t be used to deny their needs.

Let’s listen better.
Let’s see more deeply.
Let’s stop measuring ability by appearances.

Curious to learn more?
I offer training and consultancy for professionals supporting individuals with layered needs.

Connect with me: shirleyappleby.co.uk